I'm tired.

Today's theme: fatigue.

My dad's favorite all time movie is Blazing Saddles. I love that movie too. And I especially love Madeline Kahn's "I'm Tired" song in the movie (photo from here). I always have, since the first time I saw it as a teenager. In fact, it was kind of my theme as a teenager, "I'm tired" along with "I'm bored."

In any case, here's the link to the brilliant Madeline Kahn scene. (I tried to embed but either I forgot how to do that or "embedding has been disabled." Probably the latter. Sorry.) This song, along with Carol Burnett's "Little Girls" from Annie, in so many ways make life worth living for me.

My sister was depressed a while ago and I tried to convey to her that when I get depressed, or generally nihilistic about the world, I try to remember the good things. The wonderful things. Things I love. These things remind me that 1. humans can be fantastically creative, 2. I'm not alone and 3. since these wonderful things were created, are being created, then surely there will be more wonderful things created in the future, giving me something to look forward to.

And, OMG, I just realized this, but I've been thinking about using this subject as a very quick post and then Steamme Up Kid, as she's known on facebook, just saw Mel Brooks on the street in LA and he waved at her and she didn't realize who it was until too late and that, my friends, is the universe telling me I should immediately write about Blazing Saddles and do some of my magical thinking to link all these things together. (Her blog is another one of the things I love. Especially the post about dicks. I should totally tell my dad about that. Not.)

OK, that was the positive spin on the "I'm tired" theme. Now the negative. I was talking to a friend yesterday, an older friend who I met through church who has MS. We talk every now and again. She's about twenty years ahead of me on this whole thing and she's got a great attitude, very positive. Kind of a role model. So I asked her how she was doing with the heat lately. And she told me that recently, during a bad heat wave we had (a few days up around 105 degrees), she had to give up on trying to qualify for this one volunteering program.

She went through most of the forty hours of training in order to become a volunteer in a hospice program. But the final test was scheduled on a day when it was very very hot and it was scheduled in a place with no AC. So she couldn't do it. She said she really liked this program because she thought she could contribute, sitting with hospice patients while their caregivers got a few hours break. And yet, she couldn't do it. She couldn't do that one thing she wanted to do, that she worked so hard for, because her body failed her. All her symptoms flair up in the heat and she becomes (like me) non-functioning.

Fucking sad, right?

I miss being strong enough to do what I want. I miss being not tired. I want to be able to work. I want to be relied upon. One of the hardest thing has been trying to accept that this isn't going to go away. It has to be managed. I'm tired of the managing and I've only had this a year. My friend's a way way way better person than me and she's been managing for twenty years.

Alrighty. I should watch Blazing Saddles some time soon. Oooooh! I know! I should watch Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy coming out of the pond all wet and sexy in the A&E Pride and Prejudice (photo from here). Man, when that series came out, I spent $100 on the five VHS tape collection and watched that shit on repeat for weeks. Good stuff.

Or Matthew Macfadyen as Mr. Darcy walking across that field all sexy-like with his shirt open (photo from here). If only Keira wasn't so impossibly, un-healthily skinny. Oh well.

Or Rob Pattinson walking across the cafeteria in Twilight. Best part of that movie. (photo from here) Oh! Or prom in Twilight, that part was good. Say what you want. Lame, I know. I'm a nearly middle aged woman. What do you want?

Anyway, with those images in my head, I'm a little better. Thanks, interwebs for those images. My own personal wonderful things to combat fatigue and nihilism. I needed that.

Oh and I'm sorry for the randomness of this post. I'm all over the place. I just had to get past the David Sedaris post. Oh and I fully realize how lame I am. I should volunteer. I should find some way to volunteer. Until next time...