Monday, September 27, 2010

Maybe it's me. It's probably me.

Hey there! Well, I've been on an emotional roller coaster lately. So, when I'm feeling down, really especially down, I don't like writing. I'm negative enough as it is, and I really don't need to put down the oh-my-god-this-is-so-so-horrible negativity that sometimes courses through me. I probably need meds to level this out, but I hate medicine and I always somehow come through it. Plus I've had some bad med experiences. Wow, this paragraph is an emotional roller coaster!

Almost back to normal, just wanted to check in. We were invited to a few barbecues this past weekend. A family friend's party on Saturday and a church picnic on Sunday. Always at these kinds of things, I feel a bit like a sociologist or anthropologist studying the human beings of this particular region interacting with each other. Hence my title. It's probably me, the reason I don't fit in.

But I did try on Saturday. And I met a fair amount of transplants to the area and immediately started regaling them with the story of my daughter's horrible, scarring "ballet" recital and my horrible neighbors. Again, hence my title. It's me. Even possible friendly, normal people, I somehow try to find a way to alienate. Even my husband is getting clued in on this and is trying to "help" me by putting pressure on me to make friends. Which is what my mom used to do and doesn't really help at all. I know they both, though, just want me to be happy. Roller coaster.

Then the church picnic on Sunday. Well. I didn't even try there. When the hostess to the party has no real interest in welcoming anyone (because they're all good friends and know each other so well, that's not really normally appropriate? Fuck if I know.), well, that's just it. Fuck if I know what to think. It was classic provincial New Jersey. I don't understand anything really. Hence the sociologist thing. Hence the title. Eventually, though, some nice older church ladies started talking to me. And a teenage girl, who probably felt as out of place as I did. Oh, crap, she's me. I'm her. Ahhhh, making some sense.

I should be braver in these situations and just say, "Hi! I'm Penelope! I don't believe we've met." But that's not my personality and even when I have done that, I feel like it's accusatory or something. Like I'm calling them out for not introducing themselves. It's aggressive and hells bells, what if I have met them before? Sometimes I have. My gd memory. Also, I don't get the flow. The politeness and gentleness isn't there and I don't understand. I don't understand how it normally happens. How it's supposed to happen. Christ, I sound like I have Aspberger's. Maybe I do. Sometimes, though, I do fine. Roller coaster again.

Alright. I shouldn't be writing this, I just wanted to say, somewhere, at some time, that probably all my social problems, here and elsewhere, are due to my own crazy self. Just so you know and don't think, "My God, that Middletown place sounds fucking horrible." It's probably not. It's probably me.

Until later...

1 comment:

  1. Hallo again,

    Just got to this post - can so relate.

    I'm not as bad now, but I was diagnosed with Agoraphobia a few years back and it caused me no end of social/work problems. It was related to a pretty horrific medical diagnosis I'd had not long before and failed to properly deal with...until it found a way to catch up with me!

    At its worst I lived alone and wouldn't leave the house except to pop to the shop next door early in the morning for food, or go to the gym where I could wear headphones and not talk to anyone but still kid myself I was fine because technically I could 'see' people. I was off work for months because it was far too terrifying to face anyone - and at that time, especially people I knew.

    I agree with you about meds though. They hand them out like candy and they're not the solution. You have to deal with the causes, not trick your head and zone out.

    Anyway, the point is - it's not just you, it's lots of people - lots more than you'd expect. Don't feel bad :(

    Plus, it's not typically a disorder that stupid people have. You're scared because you should be! Frankly, if you're not scared, you're probably not thinking! Just gotta give the associated anxiety the boot is all. (Easier said than done of course.)

    But you'll get there. You probably know what your triggers/roots are. All you can do is address those as best you can. Enjoy the people/situations you can deal with and forget the rest. They needn't exist. Who NEEDS a picnic!? Not this little black duck. If you're not up for it that day, do something else - guilt free :)

    xx Ms Flea xx